Why are you sad right now?

Church2224

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Finally pulled a trigger and broke it off permanently with my girlfriend today...

It's hard to put into words everything that has happened, so I will start from the beginning. I am mainly writing this as I am trying to process everything as I am having a hard time understanding what I am going through and honestly the heartbreak is heavy....

We started talking last June. At the time I had gotten news I was promoted to Project Manager at my job and if I did well at that for some time I would be made Account manager. I was also running my own landscape business with enough work that after everything I was pulling in over $2k a week buying whatever I wanted, on time with my bills and my finances were looking great. Between my job and my business I was on track to making well over 6 figures. I personally was walking in high cotton...

Then her and I met on Hinge and we started talking. She was absolutely gorgeous. However, a few red flags started to show. We would have conversations on the phone before we met and she would forget about them the next morning. She would say she did not want to meet me because looking at my social media she thought I was "too nerdy" and would not hold up to her standards. Well finally she thinks we should meet and we go out on out first date and grab dinner. We go for a walk, find a bench, talk and start making out like high schoolers. I take her back to her car and she has her head rested on my chest and tells me she does not want me to go anywhere. Next week we grab a hotel and dinner and have sex for the first time. Soon after I am going to her place every week and meeting her family, however we were not official.

I start noticing more red flags. She drinks heavily, often taking pills as well. The way she talks to people is rude and not appropriate and she belittles me for my little ticks and thinks I could not stand with her "cool " friends. Also She wants me to keep going to her house and meet her family yet she does not want to meet mine, calls me nerdy for all of my interests and hobbies, and calls me a pussy because, at least she thought, I could not stand up for myself (She didn;t know a damn thing about my past and how I threw people against the wall if they messed with my friends and family). The real kicker is she does not want to make things official, she still wants to talk to other guys.

A few weeks pass by and we find out she is pregnant and it is my child. She said she would get an abortion but being the man I am I told her not to and I would help with the baby since its my kid. And if she did not want the child, I would raise it. A few days later though she tells, though, she had a miscarriage, and we are left devastated.

Soon after we decide to make things official because I stood up and told her I was not playing any more games as I am looking for something serious and would be moving on. We get serious and things go well, except when she drinks. She is verbally abusive and yells and talks down to me. Finally, I sat down with her that she needed to get better, and she does, staying with her parents to help. This goes well and it was the best time we were together. She tells me she wants to marry me and have a family, how great a person I am, ect. I start feeling the same way. We even talk about having a kid in the next year or two because she would be turning 35 and did not want to miss out on having a child.

This lasts about a month and a half, she started drinking again and this point it is so bad she does not go to work for weeks on her. She also talks down to me and we continue to argue. My performance at work and my business start to suffer. Because she wants so much time with me I lose work and lost almost half of the work my business has in just a short amount of time. Also my bosses at my job begin to question what is going on as I show up late and have a hard time focusing. I also miss band practice and guitar lessons to help maintain everything. I tell her all of these things and she tells me "I don't care because you don't spend enough time with me anyway." We also start having less sex and she gets on me for working so much and spending time with my hobbies and passions.

Well it gets to the point Mother's day I leave her house to go see my mom and have dinner with her and she decides to go to her sisters house. Well again she gets drunk and tells her sister I am not spending time with her and I should be with her, not my family on mother's day. She and her sister get into a fight and finally her sister had enough and calls me and tells me everything going on and tells me I need to end it with her because she needs help. That night my girl tells me she is going to kill herself and she is not happy with life. She also tells me, that the miscarriage she had, may not have been a miscarriage at all, but just a really bad period as the doctors never confirmed nor tested her for a miscarriage or pregnancy. I call her mom and dad who go by her house. She does not let them in and they call the police who say she claims I am just her ex and she is lying about everything.....

She calls me the next day and she is still drunk. Her mom goes to get her and her mom also tells me to end it with her because she needs help. My girl and I talk and I told her she needs help. She decides to stay with her parents again and get back to work. She spends a few days recovering from the withdrawals, eventually going back to work. Well we decide to try and work it out, until over the passed week there were a few times I was going to come see her and she cancels. She also begins missing work again. Meanwhile I am working my new job (left my previous job for a whole mess of reasons) being an supervisor for a landscape company while also running my own business. I also get heat exhaustion and feel sick most of the week this week. So I am tired and burnt out and she said she wants me over with her family for memorial and wants crazy sex beyond our wildest dreams. So today comes and I am packing up and getting ready to head over, when she calls me she does not want me to come and cannot emotionally handle us being together and wants us to be friends. At first she tries to put it back on me, and I finally snap. I hang up the phone, then try calling her, until I tell her I am finally done with everything and wish her a nice life....

I know this is a lot and I hope this all makes sense, it's been a very emotional day....

The thing that is really getting to me is I sacrificed my business, job, friendships, passions, band.... so much to maintain this relationship because this is the person who I thought I was going to marry, and this is how it ends. Thank you to anyone who has listened.

I just want to know has anyone been in a similar position and how did you get through it and recover?
 

High Plains Drifter

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Finally pulled a trigger and broke it off permanently with my girlfriend today...

I just want to know has anyone been in a similar position and how did you get through it and recover?
Throughout my life I've been in some insane relationships... like bad insane. I could look at those as "oh she was so crazy" and in many instances I'd say that was prob true but I can't say that I didn't contribute to enabling or exacerbating the really messed up ones. Sometimes you think you're doing the right thing and other times you're just trying to dodge the 'damned if I do/ damned if I don't' moments. Even for me, your story was tough to read. That's all just so fucked up and you have my most sincere condolences regarding what you've endured throughout... rough sailing, man.

For me, alcohol/ drug binge chicks usually went south the fastest for obvious reasons. Once a relationship makes my already stressful life, just a next-level hell, that's it. I can't let someone erode away my solace nor put my quality of life at risk. With your deal, it doesn't sound like a two-way street from the start, and some of the red flags like the alcohol/ pill shit... I woulda said bye. But it's seriously hard to turn your back and lotta times you're in deep before you know it. I've been in some longer lasting relationships that still failed even though the signs weren't immediately recognizable as failing or bound to fail. I think that it takes feeling as if you're receiving and mutually giving respect from the get go. And that should happen in a natural sense if it's real. It's part of a pretty necessary foundation imo.

I married my wife in 2018 after we'd been together for about 2.5 years. The intimacy happened quickly but it didn't feel like a red-flag to me because the respect was pretty firmly in place. It didn't feel empty or forced or anything like sometimes in the past where I'd meet a girl and then it was like- bam... did we just do that? There was something about her character, her personality, her vibe... and obviously, our interaction. She's always made it easy for me to have compassion for her and to respect her wishes because that's what she shows me. Ultimately, she deserves to have the parts of me that I was never able or willing to give to anyone else... like marriage, buying a home together, adopting a cat lol, etc, etc. I wouldn't have done that stuff for or with anyone else. I'm sure that my wife and I will have some tough times ahead and we def have already but suffice it to say that I honestly couldn't imagine facing whatever with anyone else but her.

If the red flags are there, then you really have to look at them very candidly but you also have to be able to communicate your concerns to your spouse/ partner and visa/versa without things turning into some kind of shit show. That negative energy can consume the fragile purity of a relationship that imo is pretty vital. I guess the 'no relationships are perfect' cliche comes in here but it's true.. my wife and I have disagreed and quibbled plenty. But we sincerely try to never be disrespectful towards one other and we try to genuinely listen and possess some degree of empathy or compassion... Except for all my really dumb "We should look at buying an Audi Q7" kinda stuff.

You got this I'm sure. Be glad that you're ending it now as opposed to much later. Really hoping you'll find some resolve from where you're at now to where you'll find yourself in a few weeks or months.
 

CanserDYI

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Run so far away from that woman that they don't even speak the same language where you go.
 

BlackMastodon

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This is why I stopped going to the relationships thread.

There were so many red flags at the start of that that I can't believe there were any green flags that outweighed it. Nobody should settle for someone who doesn't support their hobbies and passions, or at the very least tolerate them, and certainly don't put up with someone who actively shits on you for them. If you wouldn't deal with that kind of behaviour from someone who you would consider a friend, why would you accept that from a romantic partner? This is all even before the substance abuse problems.

Glad you got outta there but holy shit man, don't ignore the red flags when they're that blatent at the start.
 

LordIronSpatula

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Some therapists say that contempt is the master red flag for a relationship. Even in a long marriage, once someone starts actually despising the other person, the relationship is unlikely to survive. So if the relationship is new and the other person is already disgusted or annoyed by you or things about you, don't waste your time. Not like you have to check every imaginable box for them, but they should at least be a fan of you as a person.

I personally haven't experienced this in romance but in the context of "friendships" and broader social contexts I have. It's been very rare for me as an adult but the negativity is never worth it. So if I start feeling disgust or chronic resentment from a woman or weird competitive enmity from a dude, I just kindly and quietly move on. It's a bummer but you just don't owe people like that anything. I've never regretted it.
 

TedEH

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We started talking last June.
All of that is within the span of a year? Sweet jebus dude.

I know everyone's a bit different, but I've always personally had a loose "rule" where I wouldn't even think about the idea of marriage or something that permanent with another person without being with them for a good handful of years, so the idea that it came up so fast in the story reads as an enormous flag to me. Like a good 5+ years or something is what makes sense to me. Long enough to make it just a formality, to have an excuse to throw a party for something you already know is good. Making that jump so early, in my eyes, always reads like an attempt to trap someone in a bad situation. I made the mistake once of vocalizing this to someone I was seeing - although at the time I said 3 instead of 5. She took it literally and at 3 years in I got the ultimatum. Nobody ultimatums me into a marriage and kids, to I gtfo and never looked back. And I would do it again.

Run so far away from that woman that they don't even speak the same language where you go.
This. All of this. We live in the future where relationships are whatever you want to make them - don't settle or give up any of yourself for any potential partner who can't or won't bring an equal share to the table without burning you down in the process.
 

Church2224

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I appreciate the support guys.

You are not the only ones telling me about her red flags and issues. I was so focused on having some one again, and I thought I would never find anyone that else, that I justified her actions and the way my life was to the point I was in some dimension of denial I had never heard of. I kept telling myself it will get better, but it never did. It got so bad my dad at one point screamed at me "Get rid of her and leave her in the gutter where she belongs after all she has done to you!"

I had hobbies I kept away from her like action figure collection I thought she would judge me for and call me a nerd, and I never opened up to her about my grandfather passing away because I was afraid she would look at me as weak.


I learned a lot. I learned mainly I deserve a better partner in my life who is more supportive and contributing. Also to never compromise who I am for what I ultimately want. In the meantime I am going to take a break from dating. I have a life to live and I am left a little cynical and jaded from everything that I need to get my head on straight. I also have goals and ambitions I need to work on I left by the wayside, and friends I need to spend time with. I bought myself a Gibson Flying V in th meantime that I cannot wait to get in. Trying to do things that make me happy.

Good news is a female friend of mine who is this hot bartender who is big into music hit me up yesterday after seeing I was single again. I don't care if anything happens but some positive company from the opposite sex would be a nice break. Again I am going to take a break but if opportunity comes Knockings....
 
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bostjan

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I was so focused on having some one again, and I thought I would never find anyone that else, that I justified her actions and the way my life was to the point I was in some dimension of denial I had never heard of.
It sounds to me like you never really "had" her from the start. I don't know the situation beyond anything you just said, but it sounds like you were both feeding some sort of addiction for each other. Breaking off an addiction can feel just as bad as breaking off a meaningful relationship, but, with time, I think you'll have nothing but relief that you got out of this situation.
 

Millul

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I appreciate the support guys.

You are not the only ones telling me about her red flags and issues. I was so focused on having some one again, and I thought I would never find anyone that else, that I justified her actions and the way my life was to the point I was in some dimension of denial I had never heard of. I kept telling myself it will get better, but it never did. It got so bad my dad at one point screamed at me "Get rid of her and leave her in the gutter where she belongs after all she has done to you!"

I had hobbies I kept away from her like action figure collection I thought she would judge me for and call me a nerd, and I never opened up to her about my grandfather passing away because I was afraid she would look at me as weak.


I learned a lot. I learned mainly I deserve a better partner in my life who is more supportive and contributing. Also to never compromise who I am for what I ultimately want. In the meantime I am going to take a break from dating. I have a life to live and I am left a little cynical and jaded from everything that I need to get my head on straight. I also have goals and ambitions I need to work on I left by the wayside, and friends I need to spend time with. I bought myself a Gibson Flying V in th meantime that I cannot wait to get in. Trying to do things that make me happy.

Good news is a female friend of mine who is this hot bartender who is big into music hit me up yesterday after seeing I was single again. I don't care if anything happens but some positive company from the opposite sex would be a nice break. Again I am going to take a break but if opportunity comes Knockings....

I respectfully suggest to avoid even the hot bartender for a while.
Enjoy being with yourself, retake ownership of your life/passions/friendships, THEN go out there and bang the bangable. - MHO
 

Church2224

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It sounds to me like you never really "had" her from the start. I don't know the situation beyond anything you just said, but it sounds like you were both feeding some sort of addiction for each other. Breaking off an addiction can feel just as bad as breaking off a meaningful relationship, but, with time, I think you'll have nothing but relief that you got out of this situation.

I thought about this for a while after you posted this, and I have to saw to an extant you are right. I did care about her as a person and enjoyed the time I was with her, however I was trying to fill a void of not being with some one for some time I looked over her flaws and the stress I was in. I am glad I am out of it now though.

Also, I have to give you credit. You got me to think and deeply analyze something, and for that you have earned my respect. Kudos to you sir.
I respectfully suggest to avoid even the hot bartender for a while.
Enjoy being with yourself, retake ownership of your life/passions/friendships, THEN go out there and bang the bangable. - MHO

This is what I have been doing actually. I was a cynically jaded asshole for a few days but I got past that and now just trying to move forward. I am taking a break, playing more guitar, spending time with friends and family and taking care of myself like going to the gym and catching up on some sleep. I am getting there, all in due to. Thank you to everyone for their support.
 

AwakenTheSkies

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I'm feeling crushed. Rock n' roll has been the love of my life since I first discovered it but I'm starting to regret taking music seriously. All the effort and the stress that I put myself through to get good has all been for basically nothing. But I love music so much that it just naturally felt like the right choice, and it still does. I don't know what else to do, I don't like anything else. Feel like a big failure. 🍺💀
 

bostjan

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I'm feeling crushed. Rock n' roll has been the love of my life since I first discovered it but I'm starting to regret taking music seriously. All the effort and the stress that I put myself through to get good has all been for basically nothing. But I love music so much that it just naturally felt like the right choice, and it still does. I don't know what else to do, I don't like anything else. Feel like a big failure. 🍺💀
What happened?!

Just keep on rocking. If anyone tells you to stop, ignore them.
 

Demiurge

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I'm feeling crushed. Rock n' roll has been the love of my life since I first discovered it but I'm starting to regret taking music seriously. All the effort and the stress that I put myself through to get good has all been for basically nothing. But I love music so much that it just naturally felt like the right choice, and it still does. I don't know what else to do, I don't like anything else. Feel like a big failure. 🍺💀
Musicans put way too much pressure on themselves to achieve some sort of success, oftentimes at the expense of actually enjoying playing music. If you love music, then anything you do with it- even just spinning a record during one's free time- should be worthwhile enough, ideally.
 

Glades

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Keep your head up my dude. There are good women out there.
I met my wife in church 3 years ago and married 1 year ago. She is my best friend. Have NEVER had a single argument since we started dating and will have a little girl in a couple of weeks. Getting married to the right woman can be the biggest blessing in your life. Stay off the apps and meet a down to earth, selfless woman that will serve you and you will be happy for the rest of your days.
 

nightflameauto

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I'm feeling crushed. Rock n' roll has been the love of my life since I first discovered it but I'm starting to regret taking music seriously. All the effort and the stress that I put myself through to get good has all been for basically nothing. But I love music so much that it just naturally felt like the right choice, and it still does. I don't know what else to do, I don't like anything else. Feel like a big failure. 🍺💀
I've been feeling this way about literally every aspect of my life today. It'll pass, man. Always does. Just keep doing what ya do for your own enjoyment. Everybody else can eat dicks. Fuck 'em.
 

AwakenTheSkies

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What happened?!

Just keep on rocking. If anyone tells you to stop, ignore them.
Nahhh people around me have been encouraging for the most part. It's me. I love music itself. But I hate everything concerning marketing, social media, business, trying to be social and that's what it seems to be about.

Also listening to some great albums, where it's track after track of just great music. And feeling that no matter how hard I push myself I will never make music that good. Some rare riff if I get lucky.

I wanted to make a band to play my stuff live so long ago, and that never happened. I keep learning more stuff to make music by myself and it's not working out for me. The bad outweighs the good. I just keep making music because it's like second nature and I'm insanely stubborn. And I see the guys who quit when younger end up picking it up again when older and regretting that they quit. But maybe it's not worth it to keep going? Maybe my stubborness is better focused on something else? Move someplace else and do something entirely different with my life and try to forget about all this..
 

bostjan

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Nahhh people around me have been encouraging for the most part. It's me. I love music itself. But I hate everything concerning marketing, social media, business, trying to be social and that's what it seems to be about.

Also listening to some great albums, where it's track after track of just great music. And feeling that no matter how hard I push myself I will never make music that good. Some rare riff if I get lucky.

I wanted to make a band to play my stuff live so long ago, and that never happened. I keep learning more stuff to make music by myself and it's not working out for me. The bad outweighs the good. I just keep making music because it's like second nature and I'm insanely stubborn. And I see the guys who quit when younger end up picking it up again when older and regretting that they quit. But maybe it's not worth it to keep going? Maybe my stubborness is better focused on something else? Move someplace else and do something entirely different with my life and try to forget about all this..
Is it playing or all of the bullshit that goes along with playing?
 

Adieu

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I just had to "donate" $500-something to USCIS... for extension of a green card despite having a scheduled citizenship interview

And 85% of that was for a "biometrics fee", which was already once charged for the citizenship.

And which apparently WON'T actually be done in either case, because they already have my biometric-whatever on file.

Doesn't prevent gubmint from charging for this nonexistent service, though. Repeatedly.
 


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