SS Love and Relationships Thread

MFB

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Alright, I'm bring it back for those who it's relevant to, I'm shocked that this really went unused for a year and a half but maybe we're just a bunch of unloveable wads.

Anywho, I'm currently putting the moves on a lovely lady who's in an ENM relationship, didn't know that was thing (thought it was just an open relationship, but sure, whatever) and I should be a little worried at how willing I was to put the moves on someone else's wife; but hey, if she's fair play, then I'm gonna shoot this shot. It's going quite well and we've been talking for like, two weeks now I think? Looking like we might be heading toward FWB status.
 

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I've also got some stories I'll post up later tonight that aren't great to type up while I'm at work :lol:
 

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Alright, I'm bring it back for those who it's relevant to, I'm shocked that this really went unused for a year and a half but maybe we're just a bunch of unloveable wads.

Anywho, I'm currently putting the moves on a lovely lady who's in an ENM relationship, didn't know that was thing (thought it was just an open relationship, but sure, whatever) and I should be a little worried at how willing I was to put the moves on someone else's wife; but hey, if she's fair play, then I'm gonna shoot this shot. It's going quite well and we've been talking for like, two weeks now I think? Looking like we might be heading toward FWB status.
All the abbreviations nowadays, lol. If she's ENM does that mean you do medical test and report sharing thing for vd's and shower really good first every time and wear a condom before doing it?
 

MFB

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I mean, I have a test coming up anyways since there's someone else who I have a play-date scheduled with (who is also testing), but I just plan to wrap it and be done with it :shrug: She's looking for a consistent FWB, and given that she works 40 hrs a week + has a kid/husband it's not like she's got much free time for side pieces; so I think it's just sort of me (and this may be a conversation we have) and therefore testing isn't really needed as it solves itself with so few participants.

I'm not trying to have any kids, and neither is she, hell she's said she does still love her husband but if he's encouraging this then why not get some? If I find myself in a situation where I suddenly have another partner and that creates the possibility, then we'll need to address it, but all signs of that happening point to zero. (I'm getting some real fucking dogs on the apps I tell you what)
 

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I'm shocked that this really went unused for a year and a half
I'd be willing to bet that the 'rona basically butchered the prospect of dating for a lot of people. Can't meet people when you're stuck inside.

I guess if the thread is back, I might as well contribute an update.... I basically did the thing I said I wouldn't do, and ended up back with an ex. There's stories about how we got there, but it just kinda made sense. We spend a lot of time together already, we've been in a supportive role for eachother whenever there's need, we tend to invite eachother to the kinds of things you'd bring your partner to, we go out for dinner and movies and things, etc. It's kinda like we fell back in the pattern of doing all the things partners would do, just without the being partners part. At that point, I kinda stood back and thought - it's been kind of a tough few years in a bunch of ways so maybe it could do us some good to just let something nice happen and enjoy the company. We've not really talked much about it, or where we stand in terms of "status", so to speak, and maybe that's ok.
 

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Officially put a date on the calendar with the lady, feels good to see know we're gonna do an 'in person' vibe check which I have about 1% doubt that it will go off without a hitch; we're both busy the next couple weeks, I'm out of state next week, then birthdays/back-to-school around their parts, so we set it for a little further then either of us would've liked but just meants we'll keep revving the engines until then I suppose.
 

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Officially put a date on the calendar with the lady, feels good to see know we're gonna do an 'in person' vibe check which I have about 1% doubt that it will go off without a hitch; we're both busy the next couple weeks, I'm out of state next week, then birthdays/back-to-school around their parts, so we set it for a little further then either of us would've liked but just meants we'll keep revving the engines until then I suppose.

Good luck with this!

I was in a similar situation last year and ultimately threw in the towel because I ended up getting the idea that the husband didn’t know what was going on and that’s not something I’m willing to participate in. There were several times I was supposed to meet the husband to make sure we were all good with the situation, but it never happened and after a 4-6 weeks I cut it off. The fact I didn’t receive a reply after stating I felt I was being deceived was just confirmation for me.
 

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Yeah, do you want some constructive criticism, or do you think all possible outcomes of going after someone's wife will end positively?
 

MFB

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Good luck with this!

I was in a similar situation last year and ultimately threw in the towel because I ended up getting the idea that the husband didn’t know what was going on and that’s not something I’m willing to participate in. There were several times I was supposed to meet the husband to make sure we were all good with the situation, but it never happened and after a 4-6 weeks I cut it off. The fact I didn’t receive a reply after stating I felt I was being deceived was just confirmation for me.

Yeah, do you want some constructive criticism, or do you think all possible outcomes of going after someone's wife will end positively?

So we've been pretty open with each other, and I'm taking her at her word that this was her husband's idea and she's still sort of ...I don't know if surprised/shocked is accurate, but I guess she didn't expect it to be something he proposed, but she said since he gave the option, she figures why not? They've been together since HS, which blows my mind, but I'm hearing more and more stories of husband's suggesting it for whatever reason (me personally if I marry someone, that shit is mine til we die).

If at any point it seems like that's not accurate, then it'll be discussed, but for now it seems like everything is on the up and up; and even if it's not, I currently haven't done anything wrong as I'm not the one in a relationship/marriage/etc
 

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I’m currently on a self-imposed break from relationships.

I took some time before dating after my divorce last year, went on some great ones, had some not so great ones (situation above…and a couple crazier oones), got into a 9 month relationship with an ex from 16 years ago which I dodged a major bullet with when it ended.

I realized how complacent towards everything I get when I’m in a relationship. Socially, musically, professionally, I’m not sure how it works out that way, but until I figure that out, I’m remaining single. I prefer being a social butterfly who lives spontaneously, there’s an enthusiasm towards life I have when I’m single that is different when I’m in a relationship.

In my 39 years, only about 13 of them have been spent single, so I think it’s important for me to fully realize who I am on my own before I get back into a relationship. Most days, I’m totally fine with this and am stoked about it, other days….not so much. I’ve never resisted my impulses before, whether that’s to talk to someone I’m attracted to, make a move on a date, saying “Fuck yeah” to a booty call, etc. but I’m heavily resisting that stuff now and I’ve gotten outright pissed off at myself after the fact a couple times.

I suppose I’m trying to figure out how much of all of this stems from my ego and how much is just me trying to hang onto some familiarity of being in a relationship. I’m coming up on the longest dry spell I’ve had since I was 20 and I’m regularly blown away by my impulses and how I’ll find myself giving into them without realizing it, only to catch myself in the process and do a quick 180. And then sometimes an hour later I’m giving myself shit for cockblocking myself.
 

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So we've been pretty open with each other, and I'm taking her at her word that this was her husband's idea and she's still sort of ...I don't know if surprised/shocked is accurate, but I guess she didn't expect it to be something he proposed, but she said since he gave the option, she figures why not? They've been together since HS, which blows my mind, but I'm hearing more and more stories of husband's suggesting it for whatever reason (me personally if I marry someone, that shit is mine til we die).

If at any point it seems like that's not accurate, then it'll be discussed, but for now it seems like everything is on the up and up; and even if it's not, I currently haven't done anything wrong as I'm not the one in a relationship/marriage/etc
You're engaging in whatever flirtations and whatever else that might not be out and out adultery/cheating, but isn't exactly a good idea for their relationship. Unless you have proof otherwise, treat her as if she is making a statement in court; the burden is now on her to prove that the husband is okay with this.
 

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I just have one hard and fast rule for dating: if they are in a relationship, they're off limits. If they are in a relationship with one of my friends, they are off limits for the rest of my life.
I mean, yeah, unless you enjoy inviting drama to your front door.
 

MFB

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You're engaging in whatever flirtations and whatever else that might not be out and out adultery/cheating, but isn't exactly a good idea for their relationship. Unless you have proof otherwise, treat her as if she is making a statement in court; the burden is now on her to prove that the husband is okay with this.

The latter is exactly how I'm looking at it. HER profile says it's ENM, her husband is OK with it, and I have as much in writing from her to me, never once I have come out and asked that he was, it's all been upfront information. If it's wrong, then it's because I was told as such, and I'm a single man who's here to have some fun, and she would be the one who went against her commitments.
 

RevDrucifer

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So we've been pretty open with each other, and I'm taking her at her word that this was her husband's idea and she's still sort of ...I don't know if surprised/shocked is accurate, but I guess she didn't expect it to be something he proposed, but she said since he gave the option, she figures why not? They've been together since HS, which blows my mind, but I'm hearing more and more stories of husband's suggesting it for whatever reason (me personally if I marry someone, that shit is mine til we die).

If at any point it seems like that's not accurate, then it'll be discussed, but for now it seems like everything is on the up and up; and even if it's not, I currently haven't done anything wrong as I'm not the one in a relationship/marriage/etc

Right on, man. You’ve always come across as level headed from what I’ve seen, just keep your wit’s about you and trust your gut. I’m certainly not putting any judgement against you for this, I’m just thinking from a safety standpoint; if things aren’t on the up and up on her end, it puts you in a really shitty position. I‘m non-violent and consider myself rather logical/rational, but when I found out my ex was basically seeing another dude, it was as close to ‘all bets are off’ as I ever care to be. I’ve never been legitimately scared of myself before and for several minutes I was completely off the rails. Just wouldn’t want you to be on the receiving end of someone in a similar headspace!
 
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I've fooled around with two women over the years who were in open relationships, knowingly, with their husband. Both were very up front about it - oddly, I think that whole community is far better with matters of consent than monogamous relationships - both were very clear where their boundaries were, both were a LOT of fun, and both I'm still (platonically) friends with today.

I'm not sure it was a good idea, all the same, for two reasons. One, because I think I myself was at a place in my life with respect to personal confidence and emotional security that it never really emotionally became anything but "this is a friend of mine, who sometimes I also have sex with," but I could very easily see how it COULD, and that could be a very slippery slope for all parties involved. And two, because it is hard to say for sure what sort of impact you're having on the relationship. One of the two ended up amicably divorcing, the other was in couples therapy but making progress, last I heard. I wasn't a factor in either - the first was because her primary partner and husband was also a filmmaker, somewhat emotionally limited/likely on the spectrum, and got sucked into a project he was working on for the better part of a year and basically ignored her during this time, so they drifted apart. The second, honestly, I don't remember what happened there, but it was well after I was in a committed relationship and we had transitioned to a purely platonic friendship and mostly just texted each other music recommendations now and then. But, I think in both cases, they were turning to other partners to fill needs that their spouses weren't, and it's awfully hard to say for sure that this wasn't ultimately going to cause problems in the relationship and by being a partner of theirs I wasn't enabling this.

Idunno. If everyone consents then do what feels right, but watch your own emotions carefully (you're posting in a relationship thread seeming excited about a first date, which isn't a great sign), and really think hard about what your potential partner's expectations and needs, and what she's getting from this, are. At a minimum, be aware you're opening a HUGE can of worms.
 

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I will fully admit, emotional boundaries are one that I might be skirting at this point, since it's like, I genuinely hadn't made an effort to date in YEARS and then clicking with someone so effortlessly is very disarming; but at the end of the day, she's not my woman to be dumping that type of stuff on, so I'm also trying to reign it in and keep an eye on it so it doesn't become "too real." As you said, there needs to be some sort of disconnect from it as her being a friend I can have sex with, but how deep you're allowed to get is something that's going to be explored for lack of better phrasing.

I'll be posting some more stuff later to explain my situation since God was it awful until these past few weeks, but until then, so far nothing you guys have mentioned has crossed my mind or already been brought up
 

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I've no judgement against the whole ENM deal, or however people want to go about their lives, but I know it's not for me because people are too messy. That and I know myself well enough that I couldn't remain comfortable that way for long. Whoever can make it work though - all the power to them. Most stories I've heard from friends etc about their non-traditional relationships tend to end much rougher if they do end (and lets not kid ourselves, it's not that those are more likely to end - but most relationships fail. I'd rather fail in the least painful / messy way possible if it's inevitable).

but until I figure that out, I’m remaining single
IMO I think that's very smart - and a very important element of growth. IME a person can be pretty different when single vs. partnered up, and you learn a lot about yourself when you spend a lot of time on your own. I'm sure I've posted about it before, but I'm basically the opposite - I'm very good at being on my own, and I've worked out a lot of how I like to live etc., but as soon as I partner up with people - that's where I need work. I've always been less able to be happy with someone, and it's usually for what feels like petty/selfish reasons. I make a lot of mistakes when it comes to balancing partnered time vs. alone time, how and where to set certain boundaries etc., and it usually leads to me getting frustrated. I feel like the only way I'm going to learn these things is by doing it, which is also a part of what drives me to go "¯\_(ツ)_/¯ well, might as well just go for it".

It sounds kinda weird - but I always had this weird hangup about time spent away from home, but the 'rona kinda solves a bit of that. During the work week, "the office" is my home. So there's never that feeling of "man, I've just been back and forth between your place and the office all week, I sure would like to be in my own home for a while".
 


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