Terrible Pun Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by bostjan, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. BenjaminW

    BenjaminW SS.org Regular

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    Well. I for one, like Roman numerals.
     
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  2. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
     
  3. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    What do you call a destroyed angle?

    A Rekt-angle
     
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  4. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Two boll weevils grew up in a field. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the field and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
     
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  5. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    A prominent orchestra was about to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony outdoors, in a park. It was a bit windy that day, so the sheet music, including the conductor's score, had to be tied down to the stands to keep it from blowing away.

    Beethoven's Ninth requires a choir as well an an orchestra, but the choir only sings in the fourth movement. Most of the singers just sat in the audience and listened to the orchestra play the first three movements before it was time for them to go onstage. Unfortunately, the basses decided to sneak off to a bar for a several drinks. When it was time to start the fourth movement of the symphony, they were all still in the bar, by now quite sloshed.

    The conductor faced a difficult situation. It was the bottom of the Ninth, with the score tied and the basses loaded.
     
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  6. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    I gave some adderall to a Ford Fiesta, and now it's a Ford Focus.
     
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  7. ElRay

    ElRay Mostly Harmless

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    I fell asleep while playing video games with the kids. Best sleep I’ve had in a Fortnight.
     
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  8. ElRay

    ElRay Mostly Harmless

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    What do you get when you. Cross a rock climber and a bass player?

    You can’t — one of them is a scalar
     
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  9. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    One is a scalar and the other is Vector Wooten. :p
     
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  10. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Why don't lead guitar players get heavy metal poisoning?
     
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  11. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Why is every season named after a coil of metal except for summer, fall and winter?
     
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  12. ElRay

    ElRay Mostly Harmless

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    I just got back from an amusement park. One ride oscillated so much it hertz.
     
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  13. ElRay

    ElRay Mostly Harmless

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    TIFU: I made a pun about Communism, but then I realized not everybody got it equally.
     
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  14. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    What do you call a weird shaped vegetable that affects a large frequency band?

    A wide Q cumber.
     
  15. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    I got drunk last night and lost my id at the bars. I just woke up, and now I have no instinctual drive for immediate gratification.
     
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  16. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    30 Seconds to Mars is really fast, if you think about it.
     
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  17. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    About 9 1/2 times the speed of light.
     
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  18. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    A woman was taking a shower when she heard the doorbell. She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”

    “Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, stepped out of the shower and went to open the door.

    “Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put these blinds?”
     
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  19. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    There once was a man from Japan
    Whose limmericks never did scan
    When asked why this was
    He said "It's because
    I always start off great but then I try to rush and fit in as many words in the last line as I possibly can!" (inhales)

    There was this man from Ecuador
    Whose limmericks stopped at line four,
    When asked why this was,
    He said "I don't know."

    There was a young man from Tyree,
    Whose limericks stopped at line three,
    A bit like this one.

    There was a young man from Peru,
    Whose limericks stopped at line two.

    There was a young man from Verdun.

    ---------------------------------------------

    This young man decided to take his girlfriend to prom. He went to rent a tux, but there was a long line at the tailor's shop. Eventually he got his tux, though, and went to the florist to get his sweetheart a corsage, but there was a long line there as well. When he finally left the shop, he went to go rent a limo, and there was a long wait there, too. After all day waiting in line, he picked up his girlfriend and when they got to prom, she asked him for a drink, and, surprisingly, this story has no punch line.

    ---------------------------------------------

    I've developed a nasty habit of drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.
     
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  20. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    I was able to learn JavaScript, but where can I learn more about LatteScript, EspressoScript, or even CappuccinoScript?
     
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