Terrible Pun Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by bostjan, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    What if he was a light snowstorm?
    What if he was a McDonald's ice cream treat?
    What if he was a group of twelve men on the side of a courtroom?
     
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  2. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Stephen Flurry
    Stephen McFlurry
    Stephen Jury

    if he was unclear, he'd be Stephen Blurry
    if he was moving about in a rush, he'd be Stephen Scurry.
     
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  3. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Isn't H2O just short for, "HIJKLMNO?"
     
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  4. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    [​IMG]
     
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  5. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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  6. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    It's difficult for kleptomaniacs to enjoy puns -
    They always take the literal meaning.

    Bonus question: What if he was a database search macro?
     
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  7. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    What is Stephen Query?
     
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  8. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    [​IMG]
     
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  9. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Next time you're washing hands next to other people, cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows. Then look at them dramatically and say, "This water is getting out of hand."
     
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  10. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    [​IMG]
     
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  11. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    "I can see for miles"

    Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly.
     
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  12. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    How do you fix a train that can't hear?

    With an engineer.
     
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  13. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet and he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
     
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  14. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    There were some friars behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
    Since everyone liked to buy flowers from these holy men, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked them to close down, but they would not.
    He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
    So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

    Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
     
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  15. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    A short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
     
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  16. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, "That's a big rock!".

    "Boulder", he replied.

    So I puffed out my chest and shouted, "Look at that enormous rock over there!"
     
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  17. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    I used to have a way with words just like you, but that was once a pun a time.
     
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  18. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    I took the time to read Common Sense, and it was Paineful.
     
  19. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    Some people claim that organic chemistry is an incredibly difficult class; others say that the concepts are easy to grasp. It seems difficult to reconcile these two ideas, but maybe it has a split personality: parts of it are simple, and the parts are terribly complex. It would be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Aldehyde.
     
  20. johnucol

    johnucol New album out now: https://goo.gl/PdPVYh

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    So I was trying to grow some tropical fruit, but I didn't have any luck. Then a friend came and helped me. With our abilities combined, we raised a bumper crop. Takes two to mango, I guess.
     

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