i've been around the internet, and honestly, you people of sso are some of the most reasonable i've come across. allow me to rant and put things into words if it helps me to take a step back and see things in perspective. i just don't know where i'm at. i can't seem to go through the things i want and need to do. i've been to film school and i did like it. it wasn't my first choice for studies, i wanted to do comic books and illustration before getting into university. seeing as my dad was into advertising and production, it seemed like it was a natural choice for me to give film school a try. i've learned to like it. my senior film is pretty good i might say. i got quite good at special effects and post production and i've worked in that for about 4 to 5 years. but i got gradually fed up with it and now i'm questioning dropping the entire field for something new. i just stagnate. i've worked at my father's company for a few years until earlier this year when i quit to give freelance work a try. it beats being a full time salary man, but i turn 28 in a couple of months, yet professionally i've accomplished nowhere near what my peers have done at that same age. i don't feel like i'm convinced with my line of work so much anymore. but it could be that i'm dissatisfied with my own lack of initiative but i can't admit it then i'm maybe lying to myself... because blaming my environment for my shortfalls is easier. like i never asked for this job, i wish i was doing something else, i'd be more excited about my job if i did anything else, blablabla. it also doesn't help that i feel like i was influenced into joining this field of work, mainly because i feel like i had a weak personality growing up and that i was always in my father's shadow. now that i'm out of it, i'm free to do whatever i want right ? which leads me to the next point: i don't know what i want or what i like. i've got no idea what i'm capable of doing, what my career options are. i'm quite uninspired. i used to draw quite a bit, since i was a kid up until a few years ago. now i just stopped caring about drawing as a whole. same about working out. running or practicing muay thai, or just working out in whatever way, would give me the strongest highs, which i haven't felt in years. music doesn't do much to me anymore. i used to listen almost strictly to metal and i've given lots of different things a try, nothing seems to touch me anymore. all music is just formulaic succession of notes, nothing inspires me, nothing sends chills down my spine like it used to. i just don't feel a connection to anything. going camping or in nature was my way of reconnecting with existence, of introspection and soul searching, now it's just a way for me to escape from the city lights and rackets. every once in a while, i feel like i can touch 'that moment' with my fingertips, and tell myself, 'oh my god it's there, the endorphins release i've been waiting for!!' and then it's just gone. i'm not terribly motivated or excited about anything. i've given up on so many things. i string relationships one after another in search of comfort and a sense of purpose. i've got a huge sexual appetite but i'm afraid of actual sentimental attachment and commitment. porn has occupied so much of my life over the last few years that it's shifted so much of my priorities and made me question much about my sexual orientation and preferences. i've been with a few girls during that time thinking she'd be the one for me, and i couldn't make sense of the whole thing once it shattered. i feel like i'm nothing in the face of my primal impulses. eat, sleep, fuck, with not much humanity or spirituality in there. i just feel like i have nothing important to bring to anyone's life. i'm not currently fit for a meaningful relationship. i'm not depressed, i know what that feels like. just lost and causeless. i can't just sit there and wait for a sense of direction to strike me, and actively searching for substance is counterproductive. it makes me miss the point of things. i can't just sit back and enjoy myself because of that. i can't help but feel the passage of time, me getting near the 30 mark and still not having my career figured out which causes me great anxiety. well, after having types all this and reading it again i'm telling myself 'it's not so bad'... i guess i just need to practice my own free will. without questioning the notion of free will. heh.