I've been miserable most of my life, and feel I need to open up about it

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by EverDream, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. brutalwizard

    brutalwizard Pretty Your Petunia

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    Best advice I ever got from this forum was to look into cognitive behavorial therapy when i was a bit younger. Something i actually did.Im almost 26, still hella weird, honestly hate existing 60% of the time. But in the times i dont, damn is life tight dude.
     
  2. A-Branger

    A-Branger SS.org Regular

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    those were actually good words to make a song!, nice lyrics hehhe

    Im sorry, Im not trying to joke on you, maybe try to get a smile out of you?.... but what you wrote could be a pretty cool song, maybe try to develop it into one? that might take your mind out of things for a while and keep you distracted with a purpose?

    leaving funny things aside for a minute, for me IMO you need a BIG change in your life. A big flip. Move away, fuck everything and start from 0 on a new place and a new environment. You are at a low point in your life that theres nothing right now there for you, so you have nothing holding you back and nothing to loose. Get away, find a new place to move into, and when I say move away Im not saying move to the next block, Im talking about a 100% flip. Change states, change country, change climate, go to the opposite side from where you are, as far as you can go
     
  3. EverDream

    EverDream SS.org Regular

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    I guess the devil decided to take a vacation from my body because I'm back, lol.

    First off I apologize for snapping on you all at the end of my last post, but I felt I needed to be open and not try to omit things that make me look like a monster. When I get mentally overwhelmed with negative feelings, then I tend to lose control of my thoughts, as was evident in the things I said, lol.

    I appreciate everybody's advice (even though I knew about all of it already). I wouldn't be leaving a message on a forum if I was able to force myself to see a doctor. One of you said it solves zero. Wrong... it gives me peace of mind, so it solves that. I've put myself out there, you guys know about me and my life now. Prior to that, nobody knew, absolutely nobody. It gives me peace of mind to know that I'm not completely unknown about outside of my family now. Don't talk about it not being real life, that's the most bullshit thing I always hear. The internet may not put people together in flesh, but you are all very much *REAL* people, so it is real life, just not *in person*.

    And about the snarkyness... basically the mood I was in last time I came here... not only did everything sound snarky, but it sounded extremely ignorant of my post. I left most details in my original post purposely so I'd avoid hearing redundant stuff I've already heard and obviously it was ignored because I still heard it anyway. That's kinda what pissed me off that most, and then basically everything sounded like people were just trying to blame me for something I don't feel in control of, which is ridiculous. Speaking of ridicule, that's another thing I felt that was being put upon me. It felt like the whole world hates me, and that really made my brain snap.

    I feel I have to stay at home for my own protection, and to protect others from my triggers. When something triggers me... it's already too late, I feel possessed at that point. If I can get along with someone through the internet, then it's a much safer bet to meet them some day then just being around people who I have no clue how I'm going to react to because most people do (unintentionally) cause my brain to go haywire.

    I know why I started this thread yes... what I meant when I said "I don't know why..." I meant stuff that I feel unable to do... I don't know the reasons why I'm not able to do something or force myself to do something, that I don't feel like doing. The whole problem is the things I feel unable to force myself to do are the things that get me out of my house. So it's either post on this forum, or just stay silent with no feedback from anyone at all of any kind. I think I got to the point where I preferred the former. In the end I had to just do it, just so that my story is out there.

    Another thing I wanted to clear up was that, when I said I wanted an intimate relationship... I meant to be in a relationship of course. You took it as if I wanted to be with a girl so she could do all the work for me and live her life for me. 100% exactly wrong. Here's what I really want...

    I want to be in an intimate relationship with a girl because, being with a girl that I'm extremely attracted to has the effect on me of making me extraordinarily unselfish (whether you believe it or not) and feeling like I can do anything, and feeling willing to as well. And that is EXACTLY what I need, and the only thing they have to do is just be my partner and live with me, that's it, just being with them will motivate me to do anything and everything (that is my odd quirk, that people may have a hard time believing, but it definitely is true, I know for a fact from observing my own attitude while simulating it in my mind, and also from how I behaved around girls in school, even though it was never a relationship because I was not popular enough for anyone that had that effect on me).

    Now if you didn't keep an open mind and take me seriously and learn how my mind works by reading that whole last paragraph, then just go away, you are not helping me, you are only inspiring me to be a mindless monster who only wants to destroy everything there is, in a blackout rage with no thought or care for anything. Just go, don't waste either of our times, and provoke me into something which will not be good. Here I have something that DOES work, but everyone wants to ignore it because it's not *practical*... well, well... AT LEAST IT IS SOMETHING, I'd rather it be something that's more practical as well, but at least it's something. It's better to work with what I know works then to have nothing to work with at all. It actually is the only hope, because nothing else motivates me to do anything meaningful with myself, including going to counselors or doctors. Not practical at all, I agree, but it will have to do, as it's the only thing there is.

    That being said...
     
  4. EverDream

    EverDream SS.org Regular

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    I wasn't done describing what I want...

    Okay so let's say I was living with a girlfriend today... hypothetically... what would happen? Well I'd tell her about the problems I have and I'd see what she thinks, if she thinks I should see a counselor or doctor about it, then guess what... I would be able to finally because I'm happy with my situation, which would enable me. I've never been happy with my situation in life, ever, so maybe that's the problem. But the only situation that would enable me to get help would be this one, I've already simulated every situation I could imagine and none of them sparked any feeling of being able, so that's the only thing that will enable me, that I know of right now. So yes I would go and do whatever she wanted me to do, if I knew that at the end of the day, I'm coming home to her and she's my romantic partner!

    Ok so the problem is... getting the partner. Apparently that's something that I am only able to attempt to find online... however I have stopped looking because I got tired of always being ignored even when I've only been nice. Oh and about that "don't do nice things expecting something back"... ummmm, the thing is... if I'm being nice and not getting anything back... that's not fair, and I don't want to live if I'm not gonna be treated fairly by life. Other people do nice things and it compels people to do nice things back, so why should it be any different when I'm nice... that's not right, I'm not getting treated right, even if it's just by chance, it's just not right and I won't willingly exist on this earth if that's how things are going to go for me every damn time (like they have).

    You might not like my attitude, but I can't help it, it's how I feel about things, it's what makes sense to me. I don't have this attitude when I simulate having a girlfriend however... It seems like this attitude only stems from me feeling under-appreciated, the way things have gone for me in life, it makes sense that I would feel that way. If I had a girlfriend what I would want to do is live my life for her to please her, not me. The world would indeed revolve around her, and I'd want it to. I wouldn't let her walk all over me mind you, but as long as she's not doing anything like that then yes I'd just be happy to focus on pleasing her pretty much all the time.

    Does that sound like what you thought I was wanting when I said I wanted an intimate relationship? Hell no is the answer... because you were saying that I wanted her to do all the work for me, etc. I haven't tried to meet a girl online in like over a year, because I feel some kind of bad luck about it, and so it's like "what's the point?" if I'm just doomed to failure no matter what I do, then why even try? So I don't. Am I not doomed to failure? Well I'd need to see evidence that I'm not, because I don't think I ever have had any, so yeah, I didn't start out live thinking this way, but when it's the same way every time, and I haven't done anything wrong, then something screwy is going on, and so yeah I start to feel like I'm being setup to fail by something, so then of course I start to feel hopeless and not care about life anymore. I feel like I'm actively being denied what I want the most in life by something that simply doesn't want me to ever get what I want. That is how I feel pretty much always, ever since I've noticed the trend.

    Okay, so if you want to try to help me, then you will work with what I've said. Telling me things like "you're never going to get better thinking that way" is only going to make things worse, because this is me, this is how I think, I can't think like anyone but me, I can't be anyone but me. So don't even bother replying if that's what you think, you won't be helping anything, only hurting. If someone sincerely wants to help me, then it's going to take time and effort, but it can be done online in PM or email, I'm willing to talk with someone as long as they remain open and don't develop this attitude of "this is 100% the reason why you're not getting better". Brute force will only piss me off, my brain needs a whisperer.

    If nobody wants to, then oh well, at least I tried. At least I put myself out there so that I'm not totally unknown about by the whole universe. That was the very minimum goal I wanted to achieve to feel better about myself, and I achieved it. It might not be a lot of people who will see it, but it is SOMETHING, and that's better than nothing, which is what it was for the first 34 years of my life.

    That's all I got to say, if you don't like me, then just go away. That being said, I appreciate any effort that has been put into attempting to help me, even if it didn't. I never meant for my feelings to undermine that fact, so thank you. And remember... I'm not miserable 100% of the time... I do have happy moods, but what I meant by miserable... what I meant was... despite the good moods, I never really felt happy to be alive ever my whole life, so in that kind of way I've been *miserable* my whole life, but I didn't mean my mood was literally that way constantly. 99.9% of my interactions with the world (even if it's not that much relative to how long I've been alive) have been with a friendly and positive energy. If you look at my posts on this forum you'll see that I haven't really been complaining about anything really ever, mostly I've just tried to help people with my knowledge.

    I didn't do those things without expecting something in return... so you see? I'm not like that, I just feel that way with things that never happen for me with no logical explanation why, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm actually cursed by something, when I feel something is not happening because of that, that's when I get pissed off, because I did nothing in life to deserve a curse. Okay, I'm done, I've said a lot for now, and if people really wanted a novel, I think there is way more interesting ones out there than my life, lol.

    Bye for now.
     
  5. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Absolutely.

    Everything you've said has just reinforced the idea that you don't understand how relationships are built. The impression I get is that you've built an ideal in your head and aren't willing to accept anything less than that. On paper, it's good to have goals and standards, but it has to be a realistic one to begin with. What you're asking for is not a partner, it's for your emotional needs to be fulfilled. It's easy to confuse those two things but they are incredibly different.

    Think about how backwards this part is -> You're saying you won't seek help until you're happy, but the thing you're seeking help for is that you're not happy. Why would you wait until the problem is magically resolved already before searching for a solution?

    I know you don't want to hear it, but the assumption that having a partner around will just "make you happy" by default is incorrect. That's not how things work.

    Unfortunately, you don't get to dictate the terms of what will realistically solve your problems. You're specifically telling people to try to help you in ways that are NOT going to help you at all. That's *the whole point* of professional help - that someone else is directing your recovery. They know how to deal with things that you are unequipped to figure out on your own. This is not an insult, it doesn't mean anyone hates you, it's not a put down, it's not anyone not believing what you say.

    But at the end of the day you have to realize that you are wrong about how to solve your issues. Sorry to be blunt about it, but your self-made solutions are not going to work. You've asked people to be open minded -> you need to do the same thing yourself. You need to allow for the possibility that what's *really* going to help you is something that you would not have come up with on your own, or that doesn't strike you as comfortable or ideal.

    Go talk to someone in person about this. Anyone. Any reasonable person, in person.
     
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  6. IGC

    IGC OCDG

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    Ok , so lets find find you the ideal female partner...So far physical attraction seems to be #1.
    Maybe describe for us what your looking for "looks wise" in YOUR ideal female partner.
    In my experience(a lot) you might find some chick that your apeshits about in the looks category. But when you try to talk to talk to her she might not like you at all. She might flat out reject you. But you have to move on and keep trying elseware. So be open to compromise when it comes to looks... "ok well she may not look like this or that, BUT I do like this about her looks and the fact that she is wiling to f$ck my brains out makes me into a new man."
     
  7. possumkiller

    possumkiller Custom Title:

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    I'm pretty sure when the newness wears off and you get used to her and she props up your confidence a bit you'll slip right back into your comfort zone and make her miserable with you until she leaves. It happens to tons of people. You sound like you don't want help and just want people to tell you what you want to hear.
     
  8. Necris

    Necris Bonitis.

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    A slightly condensed form of my post on the first page. In short, based on the information you've provided in your second post on this page, yes, almost exactly. And now you're making thinly veiled threats to try to ward off any posts that don't approach your problem in the manner you deem fit.
    Respectfully, you are not at all in a healthy place mentally and, if you were to find a relationship, I only see you deteriorating further when confronted with the realities of a romantic relationship with another person. You need to see a professional.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
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  9. MFB

    MFB ExBendable

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    Let me get this straight - you'd take your new partner's advice, solely based on the fact that she's your partner, but not someone who's actually needed the aid of a counselor or therapist and sought it out, to which they got good results, because they're not your partner?

    This sounds like a whole boatload of neckbeard/theredpill/etc... and quite frankly, needs to fucking die. Life ISN'T fair, girls DO like nice guys, and chances are with how much you've emphasized your 'trying to be nice' it comes off as super shallow and try-hard: which isn't nice at all. If you want to be nice, just be nice, but don't do it thinking it's going to make the world suddenly owe you. It doesn't owe you fuck all. Being nice is not expecting something in return, it's sincerity, just doing it because you know it's the thing you should do.
     
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  10. A-Branger

    A-Branger SS.org Regular

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    I get you, I just kinda went trough that with a chick that for a moment I though I had a chance with (maybe I did, but nothing really happened after a while, like things got reaaaly close at one point and we even had a little kiss), plus latter on when I was datting with another chick for a bit before she sadly moved away..... When I was in that moment (thinking there was a chance with the one I ahd a massive crush with) and things were moving forward, I was way more motivated. I was already ona journey to get fit/loose weight/be more active..... But having her in y mind gave me the extra push to keep waking up at stupid early times in the morning and do my gym, and laso to keep going for hikes/runs after work.... If not on my days off I just wanted to go for a big hike, and 80% of the reason was to get to the top, take a pic, posted in instagram/FB, mostly to see that she "like" the pic. That, as stupid at it sounded, made my whole day, put a smile on my face and give me the motivation to go out tomorrow for another run so I could keep working towards a point to improove myself so I could get a chick like her.

    as a side effect of all that, not only I lost weight/look better. but I became more interesting to other chicks as I do something/got a hobby, and once I meet the chick I dated for a bit we could talk about it, I took her for a couple fo hikes and she was impressed by my fitness journey, Im not saying taht was the reason why we dated, but it definitely helped to "seal the deal"..... Who knows, maybe on a future I would meet one thats into hiking like me

    Now, the problem is for you to figure it out a way to motivate yourself now. Yes, its awesome having someone there who would motivate you to improove yourself, but you cant sit and wait to that person arrives so then you could start that journey, because chances are you might wont do it, or only for a bit. Maybe instead of going with "I would do this for her", you need change it into "I would do this so I could find one like her"..... you need to get better/look better first, be ready for once she arrives. And once she does, then the extra motivation would only help you to boost yourself into overdrive.

    Think about it with guitars. You cant be like "I would only start learning/improving guitar once I get my Custom made 4k$ guitar" .... which we all know GAS wont cure us, gear doesnt make us play better, and once honeymoon face is over then we get bored to play the same 3 songs on it and we are back to the same spot as before with a expensive guitar...... Instead of practicing now everyday, so when times comes you can afford such dreamy guitar, then you could apprecciate it, know the specs you really wanted, and be able to play the shit out of it

    same principle applies here..... Its not easy, but find your motivation :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
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  11. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I think a good continuation of that analogy is that receiving the $4k guitar usually also doesn't cure the GAS.
     
  12. possumkiller

    possumkiller Custom Title:

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    I actually lol'd at that part. Really?

    Basically you need to change the way you think. Your way of thinking is the root of your problems. Change isn't going to happen overnight and it's going to take a little initiative and self discipline. Getting a girlfriend is the last thing you need. Fix yourself and be someone that somebody wants to be in a relationship with instead of thinking your just going to lure some poor girl into your life so you can dump all of your problems on her to deal with.
     
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  13. possumkiller

    possumkiller Custom Title:

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    Motivation. Self discipline. Getting off your ass and outside doing something. Leaving behind the self pity.

    Start working out. Get online and chat with girls. It's a lot easier to chat up girls online than in person so use it to get experience.

    It's not going to change straight away. People are still going to be put off or be rude sometimes. It happens to everyone don't let it hold you back.

    I was a super skinny awkward non social loser in high school. The army forced me out of my comfort zone and to be more social. It still took years for me to get over being how I was. I started working out and that boosted my confidence a lot. Showering in an open bay shower with 40 other ass naked men and seeing that everyone no matter how awesome they think they are has something pretty fucked up on their body was another big confidence booster. When my mindset changed the women took notice. Random girls were flirting with me instead of trying to ignore me. The girls I used to want so bad in high school that wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole then were all inviting me over when I was home on leave. I had a first marriage before the army that ended in divorce. I married her because I thought I couldn't do better and she was what I deserved. And because she was pregnant. We both had problems and it was a miserable marriage. After I fixed myself I met my current wife online. I left Colorado and went to England to see her. She is a hot European chick and she was the prom queen most popular girl in her class. We've been together nine years now and have a six year old son. I finally believe in all that love and marriage bs the greeting card companies are peddling. It still isn't easy. We piss each other off all the time. It takes work. It takes self discipline and motivation. Just like anything worth having in life, it isn't free you have to get off your ass and work for it.
     
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  14. budda

    budda Guiterrorizer Contributor

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    If you base everything you do around getting people to like you, you still wont be happy.

    The end of this thread is still "find a professional you can at least tolerate and start getting help again".
     
  15. synrgy

    synrgy Ya ya ya I am Lorde

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    Advanced apologies for rambling, but as others have said before me, there's so much to unpack, here..

    The most-common cause of all broken relationships is one party thinking they can 'fix' the other, and/or one party feeling the other should 'fix' them.

    Not to echo everybody else, but to underscore that everybody else is right: You've put the proverbial cart before the horse: Ain't no relationship gonna fix you; you've gotta fix yourself (likely with professional assistance) as a prerequisite to having any kind of meaningful relationship.

    This is the minimum checklist one has to have ready, in order to generally be considered 'partner material':

    - Interesting life experience(s)
    - The ability to manage one's own [literally everything (finances, emotions, problems, hygiene, relationships, diet, etc)].

    Mind you, I'm not talking about hookups; I'm talking about enduring relationships, since that's what it sounds like you're after. You've gotta understand, guy, pretty much everybody else is clawing through the muck, too, eyeballs-deep in their own problems (both conscious and subconscious), so pretty much nobody is looking to take on somebody else's problems -- unless they've made it their profession.

    If anything, the constant proximity inherent to long-term relationships tends to create more problems than it solves for either party. In the end, my experience suggests that enduring relationships are far less about "we're here to help each other face life's difficulties" than they are about "the way we each individually process life's difficulties, is mutually beneficial". It's not about what movies we wanna watch together (though that stuff helps); it's about how we deal with losing loved ones, or getting fired, or having medical/physical/emotional setbacks, etc.

    Pobody's Nerfect; This Mess Is A Place. While I'm still at least one-fifth basket-case, I used to be a total basket-case. Right around the same time that I got my shit mostly-together, the Universe presented my wife and I to each other. It's a total cliche, I know, but cliches are usually rooted in hard truths.
     
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  16. brutalwizard

    brutalwizard Pretty Your Petunia

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    TL;DR this thread.

    Honestly dude you need to figure out how to person before you hurt yourself or someone else.
     
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  17. NateFalcon

    NateFalcon The Impossible Kid

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    Misery loves company
     
  18. BIG ND SWEATY

    BIG ND SWEATY Edgy

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    Why not just change who you are and how you act? There's no one stopping you except yourself and the sooner you realize it the better because this "fuck everything, everything is shit" attitude you have sounds just like me before I tried to kill myself. I was a miserable fuck growing up as a kid and I was a miserable fuck up until like 18-19 when I decided that I couldn't stand the "old" me and wanted to change, so what did I do? I put on my big boy pants stopped being a whiny bitch (not that I think you're a whiny bitch) and took control of my life, my feelings and my thoughts and then things started to get better, more people talked to me, I could tell that they actually started to like me and I started to like them. I'm an introvert and a loner by nature, I greatly dislike most people and making casual conversation with people is like nails on a chalkboard for me, I would much rather spend my days sitting alone in my room playing video games or listening to music because thats what makes me happy but thats not what I do, I go out and do things, I make small talk with the people I work with, I ask them how their family is doing, how their day is going, if they've got any plans for the weekend or I'll come up with a question that I think will get a funny response or maybe a thoughtful one that'll give me something to think about while I'm working or I'll jump in the SSO Discord, which I know you know exists because you were there for a day and then never came back. I have what I call my "normal person switch" for when I'm at work or out with friends or when I'm doing anything that requires me to be a normal human being. Once that switch is flipped on I turn into the life of the party, I'm talkative, outgoing, funny, people like me and I like them which makes me happy but I know once I'm back in my room I get to turn that switch off de-stress and do the things that actually make me happy which is not talking or doing anything really for hours until I have to turn my switch back on. You need to find your "switch" and figure out how to turn it on and off whenever you need to. I'm not even going to touch on your idea of how a relationship will make you happy because Necris is 100% right.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  19. mcleanab

    mcleanab Theta Sagan Swords

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    Check the first 10 minutes:

     
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