I've been miserable most of my life, and feel I need to open up about it

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by EverDream, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. EverDream

    EverDream SS.org Regular

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    I've talked about this a little before in some of the other threads in this forum, but only little bits of it, and I feel I need to make a proper topic about it and go into more detail.

    I have never really talked about this in depth with people before, anywhere actually. I've been feeling miserable, mentally, very often, for as far back as I can remember, but it's been worse the last 7 years.

    I've spent just about all of my life with no friend, and have never had a girlfriend either (and I am attractive). I've never even had a kiss with a girl. I have nothing in common with anyone in my family. Basically in a nutshell I've been isolated, and alone with no meaningful connection with another person my entire life and I'm 34.

    The only regular social interaction I ever had was the 9 years I was in school. When I was little (before I started school) I mostly just did things alone by myself (from the few memories I recall). During school years I was almost always doing things alone in my bedroom after school. I never had a real friend the whole 9 years. Got picked on from 4th grade onward. Ended up developing a debilitating general anxiety disorder which was so bad by the time I was done school that I wasn't able to work, and I applied for disability.

    Since then, I have spent the last 16 years isolated in my small bedroom (person I live with is annoying to me, but is all I have, and I don't do well mentally when living alone). At first it was because I was happy to finally be free from school, and from people picking on me, but after about 9 years of that I started developing a desire for an intimate relationship. Problem was, I had no desire to go out anywhere. Eventually I started to become depressed and super agitated, the agitation got worse until it peaked 2 years ago, at which time I started becoming apathetic. Since then the agitation has decreased in frequency, but the depression has gotten worse and the apathy has gotten way worse.

    I'm now at the point where all I want is to be with my soulmate (whoever she is), but I have been mentally unable to force myself to do anything that I don't feel like doing, and I still don't feel like going anywhere outside of my bedroom, after 16 years of being in it (obviously not constantly, but like 95% of the time basically). I have been to counseling, I have tried different medicines, I have even been hospitalized on multiple occasions. Didn't do anything to help me. Still no desire to do anything outside of hobbies in my bedroom, but still lonely, and depressed and longing for a romantic partner. I know my apathy would go away immediately if I had and lived with a partner, but the problem is... there appears to be no way to get one while the apathy or lack of desire to (and lack of ability to force myself to) go anywhere is still present.

    So this is the deadlock that I have been in now for the last 7 years (since I first started desiring a relationship), and it seems like there is no end to it, and that I might end up living my entire life in a small bedroom, with only myself as my company, and then die without ever having lived a single moment of life in which I actually wanted to be alive... in which I actually didn't wish I didn't exist... in which I didn't wish I had never been born... in which I didn't lay in bed and wish that after falling asleep that I wouldn't wake up ever again... in which I felt happy to be alive... in which I felt like I was anything special to a girl that made my heart race... in which people actually were interested in getting to know me... in which I lived at all.

    I have been extremely depressed and discouraged by this deadlock that has been going on for 7 years now, without having found a way to break it. This feeling of hopelessness, and depression I haven't been able to control or make go away for that long (and I take medicine for depression every day). I feel like I'm the most miserable living thing that exists anywhere. This is how I've been feeling lately, and that's why I haven't posted (or even been) on here for a while now.
     
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  2. blacai

    blacai SS.org Regular

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    I PM'd you.
     
  3. Grindspine

    Grindspine likes pointy things

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    Whatever is said on this, you will never meet anyone or form meaningful relationships until you leave the comfort zone of your bedroom. Socializing is not always easy, but often one social connection will lead to others.

    There will be setbacks, but if you give up and remain apathetic, nothing will change.
     
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  4. odibrom

    odibrom .

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    @EverDream That sucks big time...

    I am by no mean an expert on those psychic things, nor a certificated one and I hope these next words will be new to you, as fresh ideas... if not, well I'm sorry to repeat this.

    By reading your words I understand that most of the time you say people around annoy you or that you don't feel like going out for this or that... I read that you are speaking about fear, fear of exposing yourself, of what others might think, or of failure... or something alike. You cannot have a relation with another person (may it be a romantic or any other kind) without exposing yourself to others, like you have done here now.

    I'd suggest you to go out (news flash, I know)... on a trip... to somewhere culturally exotic (visit another country), to make a reset point like on Windows and other OS. It is obvious that mainstream doesn't fit your bill, so a cultural/natural trip could be your thing. Obviously, a trip is something limited in time and will eventually end, so what to do end arriving home? I'd say, join a martial arts school. Why, you may ask? Everyone knows that martial arts are about discipline and philosophy and self defense and those things, but what many don't realize their core purpose: people relations. Martial arts do a deep structure build on how people interact with each other, some schools more than other, but that is also the reason why there are so many and so different schools to choose from. So, how to choose a school that might fit your needs? My advice is on this idea "cooperation and not competition". If you see a school focused on competition, that might not be your alley, so try to see beyond the show that the school's master or graduate students may exhibit.

    I once read a book that had this passage, that I'll try to translate the idea, not word by word...
    A man that does a lot of things, makes lot of mistakes,
    A man that does few things, makes less mistakes,
    It is a bigger mistake to do nothing than to build a road out of wrong turns.

    Then there is this concept of excelence
    The difference between a master and a beginner is that the master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.

    So, this to wrap up on getting outside, sitting on your bed will accomplish you nothing besides the aggravation of said feeling. You MUST go out of your comfort zone and TEST yourself. This means not that I'm telling you to be tested by others (like going to a doctor or a job interview, which are important things to do), but to discover your own limits and expand them. Expand your own limits, believe there are none.

    ...

    About romantic relations... you're deep on stereotypes, but good at heart. One doesn't HAVE a romantic relation. It is not a thing to possess. One IS/LIVES in a romantic relation, which means that it is constantly changing, as we all are, day by day... which is somehow that inner fear you have (hypothesis???), of things being in constant movement*... This is the structure of relations, free and open. Having or possessing a relation is incarcerating your loved one into your own perspective of things, which is not plural and, therefore, not love. And romantic relations do not apear from thin air, they grow inside as a good feeling, not as a greedy need. You should not be looking for romance, but for friendship and this means to trust someone else, to expose yourself to their best judgement and be ok with it. Yeah, you'll fall once, twice or even a lifetime, but keep getting up. Don't let that "needy feeling" get in the way of making friends, for real. So how to make friends? Show yourself... a step at a time.

    I'm sure that you know how to do things, some better than others, you've made it so far at posting in SSO. Show yourself out there. If you fear the face to face confrontation, then, again, martial arts are a fantastic school for life, but choose carefully, be true to your heart/guts/instinct, if it doesn't feel good, it probably ain't.

    Final food for thoughts, consider the following ideas as beacons, not rules:
    Love is universal, love all things equally
    Love is respect, respect yourself as well as others
    Love is compassion, help out
    Love is contemplation, do not stress
    Love is trust, so let go and open your heart
    Love is giving, so expect nothing in return
    Love is kindness, so be gentle.​

    I've not learn this for being in a relation, but from martial arts... and sometimes mainstream concepts are interesting, GO VEGAN (it answers all of the above)!

    * note: curious mix of words, constant + movement. The first means stillness, the second asks for interaction...
     
  5. crankyrayhanky

    crankyrayhanky SS.org Regular

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    Lots of good thoughts here...just to add, I noticed this line
    "in which people actually were interested in getting to know me"

    You need to show actual interest in others, not be bitter and stew on that it's not happening towards you. The best way to get friends is to be a friend.
     
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  6. budda

    budda Guiterrorizer Contributor

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    1. Talk to a different professional.

    2. Having a romantic partner does not magically fix anything.

    I repeat, it does not fix anything. They dont owe you anything, including sex and other forms of intimacy.

    If your medication is no longer helping, you need to contact your doctor immediately and tell them. It sounds like you havent found the right health care yet, so my gut instinct is to suggest you start there.

    Also, get outside. Take scheduled walks in your neighbourhood. Do 1 more thing this week where you interact with someone. Just saying "hello" on a walk counts as one more thing. Exercise, even small amounts, does wonders. As does eating better. Small steps though.

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
     
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  7. Dame Ningen

    Dame Ningen SS.org Regular

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    I'm in a similar situation. Over the last 5 years I've probably spent a couple of hours per month outside my home and I have no friends nor social interactions. I've been doing better lately thanks to medication but I'm still far from a reasonable state.

    I hope you'll find a way to get better, good luck friend
     
  8. Mathemagician

    Mathemagician SS.org Regular

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    Bro bro bro. Go talk to a therapist.

    Their day job is to help someone work through things. From developing coping mechanisms, to building to moving through and growing.

    All of that is their trained expertise.

    And you CAN shop around. If you go see a therapist and you don’t connect with them go see another one until you feel you got one you like.

    I cannot repeat this enough, professional help is so underrated and looked-down upon by people who’ve never seen the good it can do.

    The fact that you’re wanting to open up about it is great and means you’re likely to take it seriously.

    I’d hate for you to not make the progress you want.
     
  9. budda

    budda Guiterrorizer Contributor

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    @odibrom absolutely nailed the relationship thing by the way: it is not something you possess. If you seek out a romantic relationship from a place of feeling that someone owes you physical and emotional attention, a) you're not likely to find a relationship and b) it will not be a positive one, for anyone involved. Build honest, lasting friendships first and see what follows.

    I personally found this article helpful in dealing with my own mental state. I gather from your initial post that you are tired of merely existing and want to actually experience life. I can empathize with that feeling.

    http://wilwheaton.net/2018/05/my-na...with-chronic-depression-and-i-am-not-ashamed/
     
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  10. Necris

    Necris Bonitis.

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    I don't think you're as apathetic as you claim, you obviously want change. Getting out of the deadlock and beginning to move towards the place you want to be in life is going to require some upheaval and making changes to a routine, especially one so ingrained, is intimidating. Reading your post I feel like you've developed a sort of defense mechanism where the truth "I want to but I'm afraid to" is replaced with "I don't feel like it" because admitting fear is difficult and uncomfortable, knowing that it reveals a vulnerability either to yourself or to strangers on the internet. If you truly didn't want something or didn't care it would be easy to let it go and it's absence wouldn't weigh on you.

    Try to move away from the viewpoint you seem to hold towards romantic relationships. It's extremely toxic. You may not realize it but you're reducing a relationship that should be fulfilling and reciprocal to something one-sided and self-serving. Don't look at this hypothetical woman as a cure for all of the ills in your life, expecting her to be a source of external motivation that will overcome your lack of internal motivation/your personal fears and help to pull you out of the rut you're stuck in, simply as a tool make yourself better. If/when this person finally enters your life that expectation will hurt you both.
     
  11. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    There's so much to unpack here, but so much here looks like it comes down to unhealthy and unrealistic goals. Others have already nailed it - a relationship is not a possession, nor a cure for anything. If anything, someone in your state, as described, would likely only be making things worse by adding the needs of a second person into the mix. You need to work on yourself for your own sake, learn to be happy on your own terms, and drop the idea of another person being a requirement to be happy. Obviously it's much easier said than done, but it is what it is.

    I recognize that you really probably don't want to hear this, but you're not going to find, let alone maintain, a relationship when you're locked up and depressed in your room. It's not going to happen. A relationship is a partnership - there's give and take involved - so you need to be able to offer something rather than just asking someone to step into your life and fulfill your emotional needs for no other reason than you want that to happen.

    My incredibly unprofessional advice is to drop the immediate goal of finding another person to fulfill your emotional needs, and find ways to fill those needs yourself, by working towards being the best version of yourself. Need to be more social? You gatta find a way to get yourself out of your room and talk to people. Do it in small steps. Go to the store and interact with the person behind the counter. Make a regular habit out of going some place small (I like to go to coffee shops) where your short but regular transactions allow you to be friendly with the people who work there - aka. become a regular somewhere. Go see some concerts or something, where you can interact with the people in the crowd. Don't feel attractive? Start changing your diet and exercise slowly to edge toward your goal. Have issues with language or speaking to people? Same idea, go work on it in small steps.

    At the end of the day, you know what your problems are, and you have to be the one to instigate progress toward fixing them. You likely know what needs to be done. Go do it. Don't wait for permission or for someone to tell you to do it. Just go.
     
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  12. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    So much of what is said in the OP is stuff I feel I could have related to myself, except I really didn't get along with anyone in school beyond the 7th grade. I got stabbed, had my nose broken (quite badly) and got beat up regularly in school, which only stopped after I lost my shit one day early on in 8th grade, and fought back, then I was just radioactive.

    I think venting this stuff is really a step in the right direction. On it's own, it provides a little relief, but if you can use that little relief to push yourself forward personally, then you might be able to use that venting as a pivot point to start getting better.

    I'm one of those people who always valued one close friend better than a thousand friends at arm's reach. Once I gained some perspective on how the most common social relationships worked though, I realized the value of having a lot of friendly acquaintances.

    I spent years trying to find a girl, but I was awkward as I could be about it. My thought at the time was that if a girl out there was as socially awkward as me, she'd be able to look past my clumsiness trying to break the ice. When I stumbled (literally) on a girl who was receptive to my forwardness, I thought that must be it, but even though we were both in these isolated worlds, those two isolated worlds were extremely difficult to blend together, so it didn't work out, but that experience helped me learn several lessons. I can tell you those lessons, but unless you learn them firsthand, it's nearly pointless to talk about these things. Oh well, here we are anyway:

    1. If you are unhappy with yourself, you are the only one who can work on fixing that. Expecting another person to glue the core of who you are back together is just going to get you to end up with someone who will likely destroy you from the inside. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad when you are in a place like you are now, but it's worse. It is true that having a healthy relationship with a good person will give you a lot more tools to build yourself up, but A) you still need to be the one who takes the impetus for self-improvement and B) you'll be far more likely to work things out with such a person if you are on an upswing.
    2. Confidence > looks, 99% of the time. Looks might get a girl to drop her guard for a moment, but if you have nothing behind that to build trust, you are not going to get anywhere. If a girl sees that other people trust you, she'll be more likely to build a long-term relationship with you. Obviously trusting yourself gives you a one point lead upon first impression.
    3. I've done therapy before. YMMV, but I think it's a sham. I guess where it can help is when you say something out loud that you wouldn't normally say, you might realize the obvious answers to little things, which can help. Most of the time, though, "What brings you here today," "How does that make you feel," "Is there anything you can do about that," etc. all just play off like the therapist is reading from a script. Some are just better at acting than others. I haven't tried meds, but the people I know who have tried them had mixed results.
    4. We are all looking for a purpose in life in general. That's all wrong. Purpose is a subjective thing. A carpenter looks at a hammer as something to drive nails, but a blacksmith will see it as a way to flatten hot metal. A guy lost in the woods might see it as a way to conk his dinner over the head. So, what is the true purpose of a hammer? It's just a heavy thing with a nice handle that can be used to make life easier for whomever is holding it, and potentially it's a heavy thing with a nasty handle that can be used to make you someone's dinner for whomever is roaming the woods coincidentally with the lost guy. Life is something you're given, and then it's up to you to determine what it's value is.
     
  13. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I've always really wondered about this. Part of me wants to say that I can't imagine a therapist being able to help anyone who isn't already pretty far off of a good path for themselves, but I've also never really been in a situation where it was a need, so who knows. My gut reaction would be that it's not universally valuable, but could be a solid tool for someone who needs it.

    I really like the analogy with the hammer though.
     
  14. MikeH

    MikeH Bring the gain

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    Echoing what others have said, go see your doctor/a doctor/a psychiatrist and get to the root of the issue. Second step, (as someone who has read the book, and though I’ve been implementing some of the rules in recent years before reading it, had some of them brought to the forefront of my mind to implement) read Dr. Jordan Peterson’s book ‘12 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos’. Seek help, friend. Nothing is going to change without an honest effort from your end.
     
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  15. A-Branger

    A-Branger SS.org Regular

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    first of all thats great about you reaching out bro, that takes a lot of balls

    Ive also been a loner most of my life, Cant really relate much with my family, I was always desperate to run away from the table as soon as I could to sit and watch TV while all my family stayed on the table for most of the afternoon talking I have no idea what and how for that long. I was the youngest so I had nothing to contribute to the chat, and I always find it extremely boring to sit there and do nothing. Reason why I hate restaurants as I ahve to waste most of my sundays as a kind/teen for hours to end doing nothing appart from listening to others talk as I ahve no way to relate to them and contribute as I always have a different likes/ideas/hobbies than all my brothers.

    By the time I was in my late teens all my brothers were late-uni or graduate/out of the house, so I got used to be by myself, the age difference between us also helped to that (4/8/10 years) so playing bass was my little buble of happiness that I could lost myself into as I never got into gaming. I also lived "too far away" from my highschool friends so I enver had that "haning out" thing happening, only when I used to go on hollydays to a beach apartment as I had some mates there.

    I also changed group of firends a lot, I was everyone mate, but no-one best friend, and at certain points I only have like 2 friends. Even after highschool I have my times I hang out with this ground, then that group, I enver have an establish pack

    One of the things that helped me a lot in highschool was joining the Theatre/drama afterschool activity. Make lots of friends and gave me confidence I never had before as I was really shy. Playing music helped heaps too as I ahve my band mates and a reason to do stuff and a reason why someone look at me with admiration/acomplishment

    I found joy on trying new things, things to impress, things to other people look at me and say "whoow, you do that?", so the less common the activity, the more I like it

    I joined a summercamp and I did everything there and make a lot of great freinds. Again, lots of friend, but barely a BF. In the meetings/parties I could easily join any group or convo, yet if I standed by myself I would prob stayed like that, I could approach everyone and everyone would be happy to ahve me, yet no-one would approach me if that makes sense

    so in a way I feel you

    I have only have ahd few relationships, and Im currently single since 4years,(Im 34) before that GF I was 4 years single too, ect ect.... so Im used to be bymyself, and I have had no option, but I love it. I learn to live wiht it and make the best of it as I dont know when all that would change (and it does pretty damn quick) ocne you find someone and then you have barely time for yourself

    MY advice, get new hobbies, go out and do stuff. I always wanted to learn proper latin dancing (instead of wing it like I always did), I found couple of teachers in my town, I learn it pretty quick, I became good, make heaps of friends. That was 8 years ago, the majority of the friends I have made they ahve been trough salsa classes, socials, parties. I meet my exGF by dancing, and all the girls I ahve hook up with I meet them on the dancefloor, as its the only place I have full confidence, plus I dont have to speak too much lol

    Took me 3 years to meet some people where I was living before, because lucky a chick started to caht to me while surfing, then I meet her frinds. Now I moved to an island resort, I got a bigger/small comunity of staff. I spend the first 4 months not doing anything, I only meet my co-workers and one chick from my induction. I started to go out couple of months ago, now I have meet multiple groups of people, friends of firends. Now I can go out without organiziing anything as I would always find someone out. I ahve good mates, chicks who I have a friendship taht they come and always gave me a massive hug, and I manage to date one chick too (sadly she left), and I think theres a couple of girls interested around.

    Point is, go out, do stuff. Join a class, do an activity you like, something that would keep your mind bussy, you enjoy, waste tiime, once there, you would eventually find people trough that. Go out for a hike, do it enough times and you woudl start recognising the same poeple doing the same track as you, till eventually you/they say hi. Go to an art class, do enough lessons and you would be part of that class and you would ahve your art buddies. Go learn dancing and you would have guys and girls to be friend with and go out for socials or parties. Go and join a bootcamp thing at your gym in the mornings, get in shape and eventually you would be friends with your bootcamp buddies too

    See here, you play guitar, you wanted to learn more, you find this forum, now you part of this comunity. Same thing happens with other stuff...... Worse case scenario you would be doing something rather than sitting down at your room


    And forget about a finding a girl, it would never happen like that, aand like others mention, having a GF wont magically fix all your problems. I know it sounds cliche, but you would find someone when you less expected. And Its not so muhc the "but I go out and I didnt though about a GF", its more that when you are happy doing your own thing, that attitude is what a girl would find attractive. No chick wants a desperate guy.

    which leads to my final point. If you cant be happy with yourself, you wont be able to make someone else happy. Your happiness depends of YOU and you only. So go out, do your thing, learn to live with yourself, find something interesting, something you like, you love, do it, and who fuck cares!!! jsut fucking do it!!!. If the thing you find interesting is to learn to dance ballet, then fucking go, put a fucking tutu on, and dance your fucking heart out!!!..... You dont like where you live?, go and change it!!, move away, get a new bed, put the couch on your room, put the TV on its side so you can witch it while laying down, put you music stuff in the main room and have your clothes on the spare room, do your stuff your way...... I always wanted to learn and do snowboard, one day I say fuck it and started to search for jobs on the ski resorts, I found one, I moved there for the season and I have the best time in my life, even if I never found a chick down there or made any money, but I was happy

    Once you get your life on track and you are hapy, then someone would appear, ad if not, then fuck it at elast you are having a good time. Dont let a "I need a GF" to stop you to do the stuff you love. IF I had that mentality I would be stuck in my room like you, because I wanted to go camping but I wanted to go with a chick..... but one day I say "why? fuck it", so I took my stuff and went camping by myself, I enjoyed driving at ANY hour I wanted, stop in the place I WANTED, settup where I WANTED, the way I WANTED, eat the food I WANTED, wach a movie on my computer, go surf in the stop I WANTEd for as long I WANTED, and you know what it was awesome!!!. I did the same trip later with some friends, I end up spending more money, sleeping allocations were stupid, I only could surf half of the time as not everyone did, at the wrong place because THEY wanted to go there, and dont get me started about the food drama..... so I did my camping solo trips, and during one of those is when I meet a girl who I became friends with, it jsut happen.

    Do the stuff YOU like the way YOU like them, the more you do, the bigger the chances to find/meet people there. Always remember to put yourself first bro
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2018
  16. Hollowway

    Hollowway Extended Ranger

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    Yeah, talk with a therapist and try different meds. A lot of stuff is brain chemistry that needs to be corrected. SSRIs did wonders for me. I’m a totally new person after getting on the right end and dosage. It took a while, but I dialed it in.
    Also, people are tribal animals. We do better in groups, where we feel a brotherhood. But, you have to find the right group and brotherhood. There are a LOT of groups I never fit into. I’m not super into a lot of typical guy things (I don’t like fishing or camping. I’m not into football or baseball). So, I just kind of did my own thing for a long time. Music helped out a lot, because I met a lot of other misfits. But, I’ll tell you, it wasn’t until I started trying random things that I found really cool people who were also misfits. That’s meant not judgement, no bullying, etc. For me, groups like book clubs, ballroom dance classes, anime events, etc, were super cool to find people who weren’t likely to pick on me. That got my confidence up. Now, I’m kind of addicted to forcing myself into uncomfortable situations to challenge who I am, and how I feel. Oftentimes we spend so much time worrying about others judging us, when we’re the ones being the most judgement of ourselves. Anyway, maybe get into some group therapy, meet some people, and see if you can get into some fun, hobby type situations that are likely to be full of misfits. You’ll be way less self conscious in a group like that. They’re way more accepting, Ive found. Just steer WAY clear of drugs, and even alcohol in those groups. Stuff can get weird at worst, and you’ll use it as a crutch at best.
     
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  17. steinmetzify

    steinmetzify CHUG & SLUDGE

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    In the shadow of a mountain near SLC UT
    Vicious circle.

    Plaintively, get the fuck out of your room. Seriously. Apathy is apathy until it isn’t. The only way out of apathy is to get to where you crave human companionship, even minutely. There’s no way that’s ever gonna happen while you’re spending most of your time in your room.

    Take up a hobby, something that involves other people, no matter what it is, something you think you might develop an interest in.

    This is coming from a former drug addict that had serious apathy levels.

    You are NEVER going to fix this in your room.

    Go out, meet people, no matter how much you don’t want to, get a job where you have to interact with people etc. FORCE yourself to do these kinds of things and eventually it’s 2nd nature man, I promise.

    It’s gonna take awhile and you’re going to feel awkward, but it’ll come eventually. It might take weeks or months or a year, but you’ll get a feel for how to interact with the public based on the reactions of people you deal with on a daily.

    You can’t expect this to change at ALL while still doing the same thing you’ve always done.

    Like most human problems, this is way over thought and the solution is much simpler than you think it is.
     
    budda, TedEH and NateFalcon like this.
  18. Obsidian Soul

    Obsidian Soul SS.org Regular

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    Location:
    NC
    I took a couple of days to think it over because what I say may be controversial at least.

    I'm exactly where you are right now except I'm quite a bit younger,and I will agree with the consensus that getting a woman will not solve the problem.

    I have done nearly everything that has been said here.I got promoted at my job,I got a nice car,I bought a new guitar,a Line 6 Helix,I started eating healthy,and I've been working out,which has transformed my body to the point where people have complemented me,but in the end I feel nothing.

    My two hobbies of playing guitar and video games are a chore,and I seldom feel little if any pleasure in them.They are more of something I just do.

    The only objective I have left is to release my music that I'm going to put my soul into until if you don't like it then at least you can say it made you feel something.
     
  19. steinmetzify

    steinmetzify CHUG & SLUDGE

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    Location:
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    Wow man. The apathy is strong with this one.

    Everything you e said is the advice I’d give OP.

    Work out, buy a nicer car, do well and your job, get paid etc...if all of these things make you feel nothing, keep as many of them as you need to survive and dump the rest and look elsewhere. Holy fuck.
     
  20. NateFalcon

    NateFalcon The Impossible Kid

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    The search for happiness doesn’t start or end with a nice body, nice car or house...people need to learn to appreciate life itself. Every sunset, sunrise, rainbow and everyday waking up alive is a blessing. I’m not religious but life is going to test you in hard times...if life is “too much” without anything going wrong imagine how hard it’ll get when you’re tested with an accident, illness or injury. 16 days ago on June 6th our lives changed forever with a 2:00 am phone call that my 17 yo son was at Legacy Emanuel Hospital with a gunshot to the head. We were told initially that he WOULD NOT survive, he never lost brain function and had 3 brain surgeries within 3 days to relieve bleeding and swelling...he did not show any physical responses for 3 days and we were told again that he had limited time until his heart would stop...then suddenly he started moving, then responding to touch, then opening his eyes, then following objects with his eyes...The first day I wondered how I’d EVER be able to live normally again. I’d been told twice my only son wouldn’t survive and had grieved for a “loss” that ended up not happening but then this crazy stuff started happening thanks to a hard-headed neurosurgeon who believed my son had a chance at a meaningful recovery. Now he’s miraculously out of the ICU, at Randall Children’s Hospital and I’ve been surrounded for the last week by other ill children, some terminal. Kids who never had a chance -it made me feel humble. Sometimes life gives you lemons and you just have to eat ‘em -peels and all. I quickly shifted gears from grief to fighting like hell. Depression or misery was and is NOT an option. It’s been a strange emotional journey but the love in my heart is HUGE!! I’d never thought I’d be this positive about such a shocking tragedy. This is fresh. My son may never wake up from his coma and the decisions only get harder from here on out but I have the guts to fight for my son’s recovery. My son needs my positivity and I now realize how beautiful and precious life really is...PS his name is James Skalman. Life is good!!! 00648BEC-313B-4186-85F1-E4A86A1E17B2.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2018
    Edika likes this.

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