I've talked about this a little before in some of the other threads in this forum, but only little bits of it, and I feel I need to make a proper topic about it and go into more detail. I have never really talked about this in depth with people before, anywhere actually. I've been feeling miserable, mentally, very often, for as far back as I can remember, but it's been worse the last 7 years. I've spent just about all of my life with no friend, and have never had a girlfriend either (and I am attractive). I've never even had a kiss with a girl. I have nothing in common with anyone in my family. Basically in a nutshell I've been isolated, and alone with no meaningful connection with another person my entire life and I'm 34. The only regular social interaction I ever had was the 9 years I was in school. When I was little (before I started school) I mostly just did things alone by myself (from the few memories I recall). During school years I was almost always doing things alone in my bedroom after school. I never had a real friend the whole 9 years. Got picked on from 4th grade onward. Ended up developing a debilitating general anxiety disorder which was so bad by the time I was done school that I wasn't able to work, and I applied for disability. Since then, I have spent the last 16 years isolated in my small bedroom (person I live with is annoying to me, but is all I have, and I don't do well mentally when living alone). At first it was because I was happy to finally be free from school, and from people picking on me, but after about 9 years of that I started developing a desire for an intimate relationship. Problem was, I had no desire to go out anywhere. Eventually I started to become depressed and super agitated, the agitation got worse until it peaked 2 years ago, at which time I started becoming apathetic. Since then the agitation has decreased in frequency, but the depression has gotten worse and the apathy has gotten way worse. I'm now at the point where all I want is to be with my soulmate (whoever she is), but I have been mentally unable to force myself to do anything that I don't feel like doing, and I still don't feel like going anywhere outside of my bedroom, after 16 years of being in it (obviously not constantly, but like 95% of the time basically). I have been to counseling, I have tried different medicines, I have even been hospitalized on multiple occasions. Didn't do anything to help me. Still no desire to do anything outside of hobbies in my bedroom, but still lonely, and depressed and longing for a romantic partner. I know my apathy would go away immediately if I had and lived with a partner, but the problem is... there appears to be no way to get one while the apathy or lack of desire to (and lack of ability to force myself to) go anywhere is still present. So this is the deadlock that I have been in now for the last 7 years (since I first started desiring a relationship), and it seems like there is no end to it, and that I might end up living my entire life in a small bedroom, with only myself as my company, and then die without ever having lived a single moment of life in which I actually wanted to be alive... in which I actually didn't wish I didn't exist... in which I didn't wish I had never been born... in which I didn't lay in bed and wish that after falling asleep that I wouldn't wake up ever again... in which I felt happy to be alive... in which I felt like I was anything special to a girl that made my heart race... in which people actually were interested in getting to know me... in which I lived at all. I have been extremely depressed and discouraged by this deadlock that has been going on for 7 years now, without having found a way to break it. This feeling of hopelessness, and depression I haven't been able to control or make go away for that long (and I take medicine for depression every day). I feel like I'm the most miserable living thing that exists anywhere. This is how I've been feeling lately, and that's why I haven't posted (or even been) on here for a while now.